You speak in haiku / That is VERY attractive / Said no girl ever

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BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman


Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”


A box of Cadbury creme eggs just propositioned me. Now we’re in a van together.


Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.


I want to follow you back, really, I do.

But the hash tags.
My god the hash tags.


Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?


Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2


[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?


If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.