[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
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A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.