You speak in haiku / That is VERY attractive / Said no girl ever

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[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans


You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical


dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks


“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”

-no you can’t

*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”


Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.



Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte