You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

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my co worker is getting married.

She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.

Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.

Their new last name will be Nighthawk


doctor: do you have any questions?
me: would a lucky talisman made of eggs be called an omulette?
doctor: i meant about your antidepressants


Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day


*both typing*

you: babe i love you

me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty


[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.


Pretty cool that the letters “B.J.” stand for the two greatest things in the world: beef jerky & Billy Joel.


Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.


Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry