You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
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She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
MOM: always open the door for a lady
[later on date]
ME: Let me get that for you [reaching under stall door for lock] please stop screaming
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
I gracefully take off my sports bra as my talent. Everyone is in awe. I win the crown for doing what no woman has done before