You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

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“I am not a human garbage disposal”

*eats leftover mac n cheese anyway*

*makes terrible grinding noise after accidentally swallowing fork*


Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.


My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.


My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.


“I’m supes scared & all alone & in my underwear. What’s that noise in the basement? I should totes go check it out.”

– Virgins tonight


50 Cent has filed for bankruptcy, he will now be known as 50. Story is he doesn’t have a cent to his name.

*drops the mic walks away*


I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.


Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.


me as a realtor:
This house does include a crawl space. It’s probably full of bones already, but you can always add more bones yourself.