@thevickster_sa

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

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@bombsydoll

“I am not a human garbage disposal”

*eats leftover mac n cheese anyway*

*makes terrible grinding noise after accidentally swallowing fork*

@SonOfCha

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

@BuckyIsotope

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

@theshantilly

“I’m supes scared & all alone & in my underwear. What’s that noise in the basement? I should totes go check it out.”

– Virgins tonight

@thatUPSdude

50 Cent has filed for bankruptcy, he will now be known as 50. Story is he doesn’t have a cent to his name.

*drops the mic walks away*

@joeldanger

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

@ddsmidt

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

@iamspacegirl

me as a realtor:
This house does include a crawl space. It’s probably full of bones already, but you can always add more bones yourself.