@david8hughes

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”

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@ThisOneSayz

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

@Contwixt

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

@jesseltaylor

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

@fillthevacuum

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

@sad_tree

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

@DanMentos

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?

@Marlebean

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

@ehdannyboy

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

@pplwtching

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

@UncleDuke1969

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.