“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
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*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
🖤✌🏽