@david8hughes

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”

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@PFTompkins

Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?

@ericacanrant

If your partner makes you sleep closest to the door, you are either the protector or bait for the zombies.

@DanMentos

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

@OakHill_

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

@SteveDutzy

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

@karentozzi

Welcome to middle age, here’s your card. You’ll now have a favorite local weatherman and your elbows will never be pointy again.

@Kim_pulsive

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

@ChicksRule

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

@RidiculousDak

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything