@usermcuserface

You start a mosh pit at the orchestra one time and all of a sudden you’re “banned for life” and “arrested”.

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@OctopusCaveman

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

@chris_witha_see

Mom, your tweets are mostly outdated pop culture references
“yeah and I woulda gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling kids”

@lunch_enjoyer

have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…

@DrakeGatsby

John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone

Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park

John Hammond:

Me:

John Hammond:

Me: I need to hear you to say it, John

@AndyRuther

If Trump or Hillary really cared about America they never would have agreed to a debate in the middle of a Monday Night Football game.

@nbadag

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as EMT]

Me: *checks pulse*

Victim’s wife: well?

Me: *shakes head*

Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head

@forcemajeure40

She said she was a free spirit. That’s good. Wasn’t sure how I’d pay for a spirit.