How come they only do that moustache oil for men? Sexism.
You start a mosh pit at the orchestra one time and all of a sudden you’re “banned for life” and “arrested”.
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M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H: …SELF DESTRUCT
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Haven’t worn a watch in 20+ years. Coincidentally, I haven’t poured my drink on the floor when asked for the time in 20+ years.
[preppin for rap battle]
*pops retainer out*
dont wanna give him any ammunition
*takes off suspenders*
that should do it
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
If white people know how to say Daenerys Targaryen, they can learn to pronounce your name correctly.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?” Never works on me ladies.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you
Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
McDonalds should have a 3rd window where you can trade in the wrong stuff that they gave you at the 2nd window.