I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
You start a mosh pit at the orchestra one time and all of a sudden you’re “banned for life” and “arrested”.
You Might Also Like
Mom, your tweets are mostly outdated pop culture references
“yeah and I woulda gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling kids”
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
If Trump or Hillary really cared about America they never would have agreed to a debate in the middle of a Monday Night Football game.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
scrolling through my own 2019 instagrams
She said she was a free spirit. That’s good. Wasn’t sure how I’d pay for a spirit.