@rachelle_mandik

you stereotypes are all alike

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@sad_tree

*sees guy ordering pizza*
“With onion”
(Ok)
“Sausage”
(Nice)
“Mushroom”
(Hell yea)
“Chk”
(Plz)
“Meatballs”
(Why)
“Anchovies”
(Ur dead to me)

@iamfase

The greatest trick Facebook ever pulled was to convince the world we actually want to keep in touch with people we went to school with.

@hannahhhhxoxo

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

@3sunzzz

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

@UnFitz

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

@robwhisman

just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio

@daemonic3

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

@BitterOldPunk

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

@clintwebster

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?