you stereotypes are all alike
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Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.