You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
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My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.