You take the oxy out of oxymoron

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Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.


[Sesame Street casting]

Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have

A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates

Exec: Nice, let’s roll


Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.


Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?


waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or


1. Pour milk on floor.
2. Ask which kid did it.
3. Send them to their rooms when they don’t admit it.
4. Enjoy peaceful evening.


ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?


ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.


Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water


Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.