@oakhillbargrill
@UnFitz
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
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@UnFitz
@ClichedOut
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
@Shock_Monster
According to my Ex, we only had 2 problems:
1. Me.
2. Not her.
@Mom_Overboard
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
@dumbbeezie
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
@FredTaming
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
@bulls_horns
1. Pour milk on floor.
2. Ask which kid did it.
3. Send them to their rooms when they don’t admit it.
4. Enjoy peaceful evening.
@sofarrsogud
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
@moutheaters
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
@RodLacroix
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.