You take the oxy out of oxymoron
You Might Also Like
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Our lord and savoury.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Care for your back
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.