@oakhillbargrill

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

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@UnFitz

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

@ClichedOut

[Sesame Street casting]

Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have

A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates

Exec: Nice, let’s roll

@Mom_Overboard

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

@dumbbeezie

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

@FredTaming

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

@bulls_horns

1. Pour milk on floor.
2. Ask which kid did it.
3. Send them to their rooms when they don’t admit it.
4. Enjoy peaceful evening.

@sofarrsogud

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

@moutheaters

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

@RodLacroix

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.