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it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I’m giving up for Lent.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years