You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
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How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
and this one
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
What is going on? 😅
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.