You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
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Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Saw your ex at the shops
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.