Anytime I pass an unlocked minivan I throw a few of my kids’ most annoying toys in the trunk.
you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice
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*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?
Husband: GET UP!
I scream, you scream, my puppet screams, my other puppet screams, the waiter screams, this is the worst first date ever
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …when did we get a shed?