@joviciakeys

you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice

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@MUMSIEesq

Anytime I pass an unlocked minivan I throw a few of my kids’ most annoying toys in the trunk.

@Marlebean

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

@weinerdog4life

I scream, you scream, my puppet screams, my other puppet screams, the waiter screams, this is the worst first date ever

@sarcasticmommy4

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

@WilliamAder

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

@MomOnFire

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

@WilliamAder

Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.

@merican_ninjy

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?