“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
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I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.