You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
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Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
liiiiiiiiike
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆