@Donna_McCoy

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

- @Donna_McCoy

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@sarah1mc

I should probably see someone about my mental health, like a drug dealer or bartender or something.

@Marcmywords2

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

@GrumpyComments

If a villain really wanted to kill James Bond, he should just inject HIV into one of his attractive cohorts and then wait.

@RamblingMachine

I hate it when crazy people say Poseidon told them they are the ninja turtles and I don’t even remember I told them so.

@KKBowls

“I know what you look like naked” – me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her.

@edheenan

If breaking a mirror is 7 years bad luck then breaking a condom is 18, right?

@E_lok44

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

@DaddyJew

8: I want the new iPhone

Me: you’ve never had a phone so you have to start with one of these

8: what’s this?

Me: 2 cans and a string

@GabbbarSingh

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the c**kroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

@AndyAsAdjective

It’s that wonderful time of year again when the spiderwebs I’ve been too lazy to clean become functional decorations.