You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
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I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
oh good, now I can stop drinking
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce