YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
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LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
what’s more important?
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.