[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
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Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman