You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
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Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.