No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
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#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
got so much cardio in today
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh