You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

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BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.


ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris


I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS


Now that Steve Jobs is gone we’ll never ever know why c**t autocorrects to Cynthia.



Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.


The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.


No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?


My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger