“You think I’m immature? Well, you know what! Our relationship is-”

*holds up imaginary walky-talky*


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Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE


If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain


Dad: Where were you?

Earth wire: Hanging out with live and Neutral

Dad: You grounded


Word of the day – Obama. I opened a bottle of brandy and drank it Obama self.


If you use the word “ridonkulous” or “ginormous,” chances are you’re a retardiot.


Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?


Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.