You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
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Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
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Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.