@JBelk78

You think I’m over dramatic? When an octopus gets upset, it eats itself. THAT’S over dramatic.

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@JosesLovesYou

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

@truegritrumble

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

@angeliav68

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

@kelkulus

My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.

@AndrewNadeau0

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

@MisfitMuse

The heart is a barefoot child that keeps running in and out of traffic.

@Tired_Dad_of_2

6 started her schoolwork at 8:30 and asked to take a break at 8:37.

I’ve never related to her more.

@OrdinaryAlso

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

@JimmerThatisAll

Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.

@Sassafrantz

I’m so single, I was at a bar last night and a cute guy offered to buy me a cat.