*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
You think I’m over dramatic? When an octopus gets upset, it eats itself. THAT’S over dramatic.
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Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
The heart is a barefoot child that keeps running in and out of traffic.
6 started her schoolwork at 8:30 and asked to take a break at 8:37.
I’ve never related to her more.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
I’m so single, I was at a bar last night and a cute guy offered to buy me a cat.