[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
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Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
She: I like Cats
He:
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?