You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
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In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I’m sure it’s fine.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!