@Papa_Mex

You think Minnie Mouse ever got drunk & decided to bang Goofy after a Disney mixer?

-Was the last time my boss asked me for my thoughts

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@Nickadoo

I wish my job was more like a video game. In order to be promoted to the next level, all I’d need to do is kill the boss.

@dumbbeezie

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

@3sunzzz

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

@crylenol

VAN GOGH: Go on, open it. You’ll like it. Much better than last year.
GIRL: It isn’t another ear is it, Vince?
VAN GOGH: what

@FloodyHippie

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

@EricaLynnz

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

@AZHORSEMOM77

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

@wendchymes

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

@click4amanda

My dad called to ask if sending an email to the USA costs more. I told him a LOT more, better not risk it