@Papa_Mex

You think Minnie Mouse ever got drunk & decided to bang Goofy after a Disney mixer?

-Was the last time my boss asked me for my thoughts

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@iwearaonesie

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

@realesttobi

“What’s today?”

Normal people: Sunday….

Motivational speakers: Today is Monday waiting to happen.

@D2_Barney_McG

I thought twerking was tweeting at work

That’s how out of the loop I am

@briancthayer

[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

@InternetHippo

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

@LaziestCanine

Wife: we need to improve our home
Me: agreed
Wife: remodeling the kitchen should be top priority
Me: [crosses out “get more dogs”] obviously

@ericsshadow

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

@TheBoydP

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.