You think Minnie Mouse ever got drunk & decided to bang Goofy after a Disney mixer?

-Was the last time my boss asked me for my thoughts

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I wish my job was more like a video game. In order to be promoted to the next level, all I’d need to do is kill the boss.


If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me


Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.


VAN GOGH: Go on, open it. You’ll like it. Much better than last year.
GIRL: It isn’t another ear is it, Vince?
VAN GOGH: what


I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.


Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”


Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away


Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.


My dad called to ask if sending an email to the USA costs more. I told him a LOT more, better not risk it