That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
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“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
‘I know a black person’
– White people
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.