@brichie13

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

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@Darlainky

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

@blatchfordnews

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.

@tazsme

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

@GrumpyBahr

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

@Try2StopME

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

@mollzbenn

It’s amazing how much you can get away with by wearing an orange vest and a hard hat. I’ve been digging a hole in this Forever 21 for hours.

@fro_vo

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir we’re going to have to ask you to leave
ME: but they are my emotional support bees

@RickyFabiyi

Huh? People check their hand after picking their nose, what do you expect? A piece of diamond!

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.