“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
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[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days