“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

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Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista


What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.


[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists


North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.


Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.


It’s amazing how much you can get away with by wearing an orange vest and a hard hat. I’ve been digging a hole in this Forever 21 for hours.


FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir we’re going to have to ask you to leave
ME: but they are my emotional support bees


Huh? People check their hand after picking their nose, what do you expect? A piece of diamond!


Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.