You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
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Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I love it all
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Tier 3 meme
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.