its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
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uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I created you as mosquito food.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.