@TheAttachedGF

You think we should see other people? I’m bipolar. I am other people.

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@daemonic3

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

@omgthatspunny

If a dog has puppies in a public place, can they be arrested for littering?

@JoParkerBear

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

@GingerHotDish

Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

@GoddessTitty

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

@iwearaonesie

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

@FatherWithTwins

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

@mommajessiec

[8 AM]

Me: Time to wake up.

[13 HOURS LATER]

Me: Time to go to bed.

Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.