The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
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“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
mood
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
plums roundup
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.