Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
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[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.