You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
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My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
where the womens at?
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.