You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.

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Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING


Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.


I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.


I think the closest I’ve come to playing romantic music at a girl’s window is when I forgot to turn down “Eye Of The Tiger” at the drivethru


I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?


Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.


Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it


Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.


Him: That’s a little dramatic.



My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again