The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
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For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.