Therapist: you suffer from multiple personality disorder
Me: whatever, you’re just jealous of my squad
You think you understand people and then you see a car with eyelashes on the headlights.
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Twitter has taught me a couple things. First, there are some incredibly brilliant people in the world. Second, they are vastly outnumbered.
ME: so what ur saying is, no one milks the dinosaurs bc it’s too dangerous
TOUR GUIDE: that is not what i’m saying at all
i wanna delete all my socials soooo bad but tf am I gonna do? feed penguins?
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
I too would like a knife that turns everything into cake.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”