@ohpeetie

You think you understand people and then you see a car with eyelashes on the headlights.

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@DaddyJew

Therapist: you suffer from multiple personality disorder

Me: whatever, you’re just jealous of my squad

@jrsalzman

Twitter has taught me a couple things. First, there are some incredibly brilliant people in the world. Second, they are vastly outnumbered.

@nbadag

[jurassic world]
ME: so what ur saying is, no one milks the dinosaurs bc it’s too dangerous
TOUR GUIDE: that is not what i’m saying at all

@d3dgirl

i wanna delete all my socials soooo bad but tf am I gonna do? feed penguins?

@fro_vo

date: what are you thinking about

me: fall should be spelled fa//

date:

me:

date: fell should be spelled fe_ _

*we kiss*

@MattTheBrand

me: why does nobody like me

therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic

me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how

@OneTrickTofani

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

@LostFelicia

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

@Book_Krazy

[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”