If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
You Might Also Like
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
lmao
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.