[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
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How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
The Friday File.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s