You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
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If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
My support group can outdrink your support group.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
peak technology
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium