@RamblingMachine

You think your spouse loves you?Put them & a dog in the trunk of the car for a day. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

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@BradBroaddus

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.

@TheNYAMProject

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

@BuckyIsotope

November
Echo
Victor
Echo
Romeo
Golf
Oscar
November
November
Alfa
Golf
India
Victor
Echo
Yankee
Oscar
Uniform
Uniform
Papa

@krisv_723

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

@SassyPantssss

I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He’s still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.

@ravenswng_

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

@Darlainky

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

@ItsAndyRyan

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy