I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
You think your spouse loves you?Put them & a dog in the trunk of the car for a day. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
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My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He’s still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy