Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
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sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
the three branches of government
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.