You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

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*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”


My kid asked me what my childhood was like so I took the batteries out of the remote and had him change channels by hand the rest of night.


The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.


Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us


The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.


You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.


so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.


[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here