@Truculent67

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

You Might Also Like

@stephenjmolloy

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

@neledmax

My kid asked me what my childhood was like so I took the batteries out of the remote and had him change channels by hand the rest of night.

@oothikicha

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

@ParentNormal

Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us

@Lisabug74

The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.

@causticbob

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

@anylaurie16

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

@realbjdunne

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here