You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
You Might Also Like
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good