Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me

prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

me: just tell me what to do

universe: *gives me a clear sign*

me: well that could be for anybody

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts

[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this