gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs
gf’s dad: what do you do
me: i give out free drugs
You think you’re going to win this? I’ve been acting out potential fake arguments in the shower for years.
You don’t stand a chance.
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Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
My swimsuit told me to go to the gym today but my sweatpants were like nah girl you’re good.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.