You think you’re going to win this? I’ve been acting out potential fake arguments in the shower for years.

You don’t stand a chance.

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gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs


gf’s dad: what do you do

me: i give out free drugs


Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message


toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking


[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high


My swimsuit told me to go to the gym today but my sweatpants were like nah girl you’re good.


Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.


Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.


If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.


Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.