@TwatWaffler69

You think you’re going to win this? I’ve been acting out potential fake arguments in the shower for years.

You don’t stand a chance.

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@_whatwhatwhat_

gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs

[later]

gf’s dad: what do you do

me: i give out free drugs

@pleatedjeans

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

@iwearaonesie

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

@HeyoShellz

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

@B0niferd

My swimsuit told me to go to the gym today but my sweatpants were like nah girl you’re good.

@TheAlexP

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

@RunOldMan

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

@Tinkerbell_

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

@TwinSurvivalist

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.