You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
You Might Also Like
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?