You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
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Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.