Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
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friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.