God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
You think you’re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.
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Thanks for sending your Blackberry pin to my iPhone.
When did you get electricity in your cave?
Who would win in a race? A cheetah, the fastest animal on land, or my kid who I just asked what he put in his mouth?
That awkward moment when you’re in bed & go to take a sip of your drink but don’t feel like doing a sit up and start waterboarding yourself
If Noah was not holding ‘ Control ‘ while selecting the animals that were to enter the ark, then the Bible is a lie to me.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
My new monthly budget
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.