@rage_chaos

You think you’re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.

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@theshamingofjay

Thanks for sending your Blackberry pin to my iPhone.

When did you get electricity in your cave?

@momjeansplease

Who would win in a race? A cheetah, the fastest animal on land, or my kid who I just asked what he put in his mouth?

@DaddyJew

That awkward moment when you’re in bed & go to take a sip of your drink but don’t feel like doing a sit up and start waterboarding yourself

@xysist

If Noah was not holding ‘ Control ‘ while selecting the animals that were to enter the ark, then the Bible is a lie to me.

@GrabTheWEness

[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.

@kevinseccia

The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.

@datguyryry

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

@abbycohenwl

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

@JohnLyonTweets

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.