You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
You Might Also Like
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I want this so bad
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
May have had one breakfast too many
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Very problematic
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early