You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
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Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch