Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
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The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
2: Where mommy?
Me: Mommy’s at a meeting.
2: Mommy is meat?
Me: No. Well…yes, but only if we ever get stranded on an island.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
My life in a nutshell