@murrman5

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

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@honeybadgerMel

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

@AmishPornStar1

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

@petemandik

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

@1Happytwit

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

@Reverend_Scott

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

@Birdhumms

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

@ScaryMommy

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

@iAmDelFreaky

2: Where mommy?

Me: Mommy’s at a meeting.

2: Mommy is meat?

Me: No. Well…yes, but only if we ever get stranded on an island.

2: Ok.

@HandyJack420

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.