You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
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One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket