@caithuls

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

You Might Also Like

@KKAlThani

My friend showed up wearing a “Narnia is real” shirt which suits him cause they both aren’t planning to come out of the closet anytime soon.

@RobertJrDowney

If Twitter was invented by a woman, The character limit would be 10,000 characters.

@rickkondell

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

@DannyZuker

“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

@daemonic3

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

@OllyiConic

wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

@carterhambley

just became the pop-tarts CEO and let’s just say I hope you guys like mayonnaise

@JediGigi

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”

@Tommytoughstuff

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]