YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

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My friend showed up wearing a “Narnia is real” shirt which suits him cause they both aren’t planning to come out of the closet anytime soon.


If Twitter was invented by a woman, The character limit would be 10,000 characters.


I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.


“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.


Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads


wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these


just became the pop-tarts CEO and let’s just say I hope you guys like mayonnaise


Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”


Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]