@caithuls

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

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@TheToddWilliams

EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}

@truegritrumble

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

@TheBoydP

“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…

@funnybeachgirl

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

@007Rex_Inc

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

@ChewedOnBoobs

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

@FatherWithTwins

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

@spicy_peen

How do people in the movies dig 6-foot deep graves with a shovel? I got tired digging a hole to plant a bush