My friend showed up wearing a “Narnia is real” shirt which suits him cause they both aren’t planning to come out of the closet anytime soon.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
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If Twitter was invented by a woman, The character limit would be 10,000 characters.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
just became the pop-tarts CEO and let’s just say I hope you guys like mayonnaise
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.