YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
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No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
he looks great for his age
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
we’re dead?
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Pat is about to own someone
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.