YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
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then why did i get this email
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Oh we’ve met.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.